“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
I debated whether to write this post or not. I feel like this is not talked about very often, though it is so common. I think because it is so common, it is discredited to “not a big deal” or it should not be made into a big deal. And perhaps, for some, it’s not. But for me, it is. There are also many that knew about my pregnancy, but may still be in the dark about what happened, as I haven’t had the courage to text, call, reach out to everyone to explain what happened. I just couldn’t bare that pain over and over and over again, so I figured a heartfelt note would suffice, where all can be made aware at once.
This time last week, I was so excited for an appointment coming up on February 1st. February 1st was my 10 week ultrasound to see my new growing baby. “Baby Oopsie” as we nicknamed him/her. Haha, unplanned pregnancies (this would have been my second unplanned one) have a way of rattling you up and shaking your world upside down, sideways and then right back up again. But for us, it was a happy surprise. Scary, yes. But really happy.
Friday morning (2-27-2017) I was getting ready to start the morning, did my business, got my oldest little ready and sent off to school, and the youngest one headed off to see her “gigi.” For about a week, I had noticed my pregnancy symptoms subsiding and I started to feel better. I was apprehensive to get too excited about it, because when I was pregnant with my other two babies, my morning sickness had me down for at least 12 weeks. I was just approaching 10 weeks, so it didn’t feel “right.” **I should also mention that I have extremely bad anxiety, so if you’re reading this and are pregnant, just because my symptoms are exhibited differently or similarly compared to yours, DOES NOT mean that you are miscarrying or you do not have a healthy pregnancy.** If for some reason you are worried, please do call your doctor. <3
I ran quickly to the restroom and noticed a little bit of spotting. I tried to keep myself calm, as this happened to me during my first pregnancy and everything was ok. Who am I kidding… certainly not myself. I was panicked. The spotting slowed down and eventually stopped, but my OB/GYN was able to squeeze me in (I cannot say enough wonderful things about my new OB) just to keep me sane and for my peace of mind over the weekend.
I wish it had turned out to be better news, but unfortunately, it did not. When I arrived to the doctor’s office, they got me in quickly for an ultrasound, where my baby’s heartbeat was not detected. I had to say it to myself over and over and over again. “My baby’s heart beat is not there. I lost my baby.” This baby who, like my other two, gave me some awful morning sickness, made me extremely fatigued, and the baby who I grew to love and inherently wanted to protect. I can’t remember really my emotions in that moment, I just felt like I wanted to wake up from this nightmare I thought I wouldn’t have to go through. I almost made it out of what I call the “danger zone” and had FELT pregnant for about a month. I just didn’t understand what happened. And I still don’t.
After speaking with my doctor, I was presented with two choices: let my body miscarry on its own, or to get help with the process and do a D&C. Initially, like many very brave mothers, I decided to allow my body to do its job (much like labor) and went home. After speaking with a couple of other mamas who have gone through the same thing, and reading what this experience would be like, this black cloud of fear and worry of “what’s to come” consumed me. It consumed every thought I had. I also did not realize how slow the process of miscarriage is (for me it was slow). So on Monday I went back to my OB/GYN and he was able to move around his schedule and schedule a D&C for me that evening. I couldn’t bare the thought of how I would react to “what was to come,” and what to do when it did come, and I was terrified of miscarrying naturally and of those thoughts. I am so grateful for him for doing what he did for me.
What I learned from This.
- It’s not my fault. Nothing I did made this happen. I am at peace about that. I am so sad that I will not meet baby oopsie earthside, but you better believe I am so excited to meet them in heaven one day.
- How grateful I am for my two that I do have. I realize that life is a gift. It most certainly is not guaranteed. I have two thriving, healthy, caring, and beautiful human beings that God trusted me to care for. I feel so lucky to have them. I also feel lucky to have experienced baby oopsie for just a couple months. As cliche as it sounds, a mother’s love forms as soon as you realize that you have a life in you. That life was meaningful. That life was important. And that life was a gift to me. I don’t discredit that.
- There are so many women who have experienced this. And it’s not talked about as often as you would think it is, and in my opinion, how often it should be. It hurts. And time heals most wounds, but for me, talking about those wounds helps me heal. So here I am. I encourage you to reach out if you need to talk to someone. I want to be there for you and I will share my experience with you.
- Initially I felt embarrassed that I had told many people about my pregnancy and thinking of telling them that I had lost my baby was unbearable. It still kinda is. After much reflection, I don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. I did what most mothers do- got excited for the miracle of life that my body was growing. I wanted to celebrate this new baby and I was so excited about it. So I am GLAD my baby was celebrated by many and I am GLAD that I was excited about it. That’s normal and natural to be excited about your babies. So BE EXCITED no matter the outcome.
- I have an amazing support system. It’s true. From family, close friends, my “fit fam” and everyone else in between… I love you. You made the start of this ongoing process easier to handle.
And for all of you mamas that have gone through this. I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry that you went through this. All the haunting and scary questions, the anxiety during the first trimester, to analyzing every ache, pain, or lack there of… to the miscarriage itself. I pray for you and for all you mamas that may experience it, I am here for you. I’ve always encouraged other mamas to stick together, and this is no different. We are so unique. We have to stick together. <3
And to all that have prayed, sent messages, and expressed your care. You are so amazing. You are my people and I am grateful for you.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”